I sit in the center of my own mind, constantly watching the black flames moving frantically on the logs that lay in front of me. I feel lost, not knowing who I am or where I should go from here, I do not slumber nor shift about in this empty space, I remain here emotionless, numb from the pain of the past.
Through the flames I see my past being played before me, oh what joy my childhood days were, living carefree with no anxiety or the pressures of the world weighing me down.
I knew nothing of the dangers surrounding me, but my guardians always showed me the way to the right path. I remember getting decent grades and even friends that I could count on and eventually I found my first love, I felt happy.
The black flames shifted to another memory, it showed a picture of my father in his younger days, at the time he was married to my mother and I had just been born.
I would spend a lot of time being around my father, times that I could never forget. Fishing, hiking and wrestling are moments that touch my heart, every now and then we’d got camping which would always be a blast.
But then one day he sat me down, looked me in the eyes and told me “have a happier life.”
I was given an ornament, it was in the shape of a hedgehog. Father told me that it will brighten the dark times of my life, and from that day forward I kept it close protecting it as though it was my own child.
As time went on, the ornament cracked each time I was found in a dark moment. I did not notice this at the time but I continued to grew closer to it, treasuring it for as long as it lasted.
From the day I was given this treasure I never had a gloomy day, even when tragedy was at the door I would only have a smile on my face as though nothing had gone wrong to begin with.
Once again, the black flames shifted and showed me an imagine of my wife holding a baby, tears rolled down my face and I leaned forward trying to hold them in my arms once more.
I wish to relive the days when I would hold my child in my arms and kiss the cheek of my wife.
The ornament cracked open. For the longest time without my knowledge it was suppressing every negative situation and every negative emotion that came my way, replacing them with illusions of happy moments.
My mind was thrown out of balance with the sudden realisation of all the loss in my life.
The terrible grades, my parents separating, friends that didn’t want me around at all, being bullied throughout my school days, a boss that wouldn’t give me a break and a wife that I thought I had but it was only a product of my imagination, after the many days of being alone.
I was frozen in place and time around me had stopped, I felt empty.
I hope to find the truth of who I once was and why my father did this to me.
This concludes part one of Happy End.
© Roderick Lukenge